


We Need to Talk

by mean_whale



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Boys Kissing, Coming Out, Crying, Developing Friendships, Face Slapping, First Meetings, Foursome - M/M/M/M, Gang Rape, Gay Male Character, Humiliation, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Men Crying, Oral Sex, Psychological Trauma, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Supportive Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-29 03:31:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10845597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: Bokuto has a secret, and that secret threatens to ruin his best relationships.





	1. Akaashi

When Akaashi Keiji attended volleyball practice for the first time in his first year in high school, he couldn’t help noticing the one second year student who had silver hair and a wide smile on his face. There was something incredibly charismatic about the older boy in spite of the easy-going atmosphere that surrounded him, and Akaashi thought that this must be a person of great value. He was partly right.

Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi learned, was passionate and eager, and definitely not afraid of working hard. However, as Akaashi watched the older players, he noticed that many of them seemed wary around Bokuto. He couldn't understand why the upperclassmen weren't more eager to practise with him, why they sometimes bickered amongst themselves over who would set for Bokuto when the boy couldn't hear. As far as he knew, Bokuto was strong and capable, and he was good at raising everyone's spirits – until he turned his back again and someone looked at him with worry.

The reason behind the behaviour didn't stay a mystery very long. During a practise game Bokuto made a simple mistake, and immediately it seemed like he had been replaced by someone else. He was slumping, refused to spike again, and was eventually put on the bench, where he sat like a wet rug.

After the game was over, Bokuto was still sagging on the bench. Akaashi had been watching him, for reasons incomprehensible even to himself, and had seen how Bokuto looked longingly at the ball, how his eyes followed it back and forth, and how he drooped even further into himself. Akaashi hardly even realised what he was doing when he walked over to his senior and stopped right before him. Bokuto turned his head up to look at him, everything about him absolutely miserable.

“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said. “Would you, please, spike my tosses?”

Bokuto's eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly, making him look ridiculously like a fish.

“I would like to learn from my senpai,” Akaashi added.

Bokuto opened his mouth wider before closing it. His eyes shifted around.

“Is everyone else busy?” Bokuto asked suspiciously.

Akaashi shook his head, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“I don't know,” he said. “I only want the best.”

Bokuto lifted a hand to his chest. His smile was brighter than the sun.

“Yes? Of course!” Bokuto exclaimed and jumped up.

That was the first time that Akaashi Keiji received awed looks from his upperclassmen for getting Bokuto out of his dejected mode.

Akaashi was a good, solid setter, and he was great with Bokuto, but he didn't become a starter. It didn't bother him; he hadn't expected to surpass his seniors, and standing by the side-lines was a good opportunity to study how the others played, how the team worked together. Bokuto was an excellent player and spent a lot of time on the court. The longer Akaashi practised with him the closer their relationship grew, and the more Akaashi learned to read Bokuto's moods, the more the older boy could play without getting dejected. From a constant problem, it turned into an occasional inconvenience, and as the year grew older there was talk of Bokuto becoming the new ace.

Akaashi wasn't surprised to find that the positive feedback of his team mates affected Bokuto's mood for the better and gave him confidence in his indisputable skill. What did surprise him was the fact that the team also started suggesting that Akaashi become the starting setter because of the way he could so easily fine-tune Bokuto.

*

The only uncertainty in Akaashi’s life was also related to Bokuto; he didn't know if he could consider the older boy his friend. The line between junior and senior had long since been crossed, but the divide between team mate and friend seemed much more difficult to understand. Akaashi had spent some sleepless nights thinking about it, where to draw the line, but he could never find an answer. They played together, they chatted after practise and walked home together, but Akaashi wasn't sure if that was the extent of what their relationship should be or if he should offer to spend more time with Bokuto. Maybe the older boy was waiting for it, maybe he was disappointed by Akaashi’s inability to judge the extent of a relationship.

However, Bokuto didn't seem to get disappointed. He was his usual happy self when they said their goodbyes and when they met in school the following day. Akaashi thought that maybe it was okay, maybe he could stop worrying and instead focus on being mentally present when he was with Bokuto.

If he was being truthful, Akaashi wasn't so sure that he would even want Bokuto’s full friendship. The boy may have been a good person, but his friendship seemed tiring. This conclusion he got from watching Bokuto’s interaction with Kuroo from Nekoma high school, who appeared to be best friends with Bokuto. They were a good match, Akaashi often thought as the two had fun together, their humour perfectly in tune. When Akaashi had first seen Kuroo, he wouldn't have thought that the boy with his hair sticking up on the back and covering his other eye a lot of the time in the front would even be capable of matching Bokuto’s energy. Kuroo always had a sly grin on his face, as if there was something that he knew but the others hadn't noticed yet, but Akaashi quickly learned that beneath the calculating eyes Kuroo had a big heart and his grin could turn goofy in a fraction of a second.

By the time Akaashi's first year in high school was drawing to a close, he felt that he had found a balance between the distance and closeness towards Bokuto. He wasn't surprised to see Bokuto become their new ace, but he didn't expect for the boy to also be named captain.

“Congratulations, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi told him and smiled, and the smile he got in return was blinding in its genuine brightness.

*

The beginning of his second year was exactly how Akaashi expected it to be, and he was positively surprised to see the team come together with Bokuto's guidance.

However, it didn't take many weeks before something changed. Bokuto was practising more and longer than the rest of the team, and Akaashi found himself to be leaving alone every day. He brushed it off as Bokuto being nervous for being the captain and taking some extra measures to stay on top of his skill, until one day when he forgot his towel to the gym.

Akaashi had already been heading home, but decided to turn around and retrieve the towel while also checking in on Bokuto. He wasn't expecting to find the gym locked and dark, clearly not in use, even though Bokuto had specifically said he would stay behind. It hadn't been very long either, maybe 10 minutes since Akaashi left the club room.

He confronted Bokuto about it the next day, but the third year waved it off.

“I just remembered I had promised to help with some housework that day,” he said cheerfully.

“But I didn't see you at all,” Akaashi tried to argue, although he hadn't really looked.

“Maybe I was in the bathroom,” Bokuto shrugged and smiled.

Akaashi couldn't drop it just like that; Bokuto's smile hadn't reached his eyes.

As time went on, Akaashi discovered that something was very badly wrong with Bokuto. On the surface, he might have still been the energetic, joyful captain who inspired his team to perform as well as possible, but Akaashi could see that underneath the surface something was looming. It was starting to get obvious to the rest of the team as well, since Bokuto was spending more time in his dejected mode, and Akaashi had difficulties pulling him out of it.

He was proven right even more when Kuroo called him one day, very casually, until he brought up the real reason behind the call.

“Has something happened to Bokuto?” Kuroo asked.

“I'm sorry, Kuroo-san,” Akaashi replied. “I don't know.”

“Huh,” Kuroo said with an audible gulp.

Akaashi wasn't sure if he should voice his own concerns. Was it too much?

“Has he seemed normal to you?” Kuroo then asked, and Akaashi silently sighed in relief over not having to wonder any more.

“No,” he said. “He tries to appear normal, but I can tell something's bothering him.”

Kuroo hummed in thought.

“Have you asked him about it?” he then asked.

Akaashi was confused.

“Isn't that what you should do?” he asked. “No, I haven't.”

When Kuroo spoke, his voice sounded strained.

“He's avoiding me,” he said.

Akaashi wanted to ask why, but thought that it might be too nosy of him. While he had been welcomed by Kuroo, he still wasn't sure of the extent of his role in the relationship.

“Should I talk to him?” Akaashi asked instead.

Kuroo went awfully quiet for awfully long. Akaashi was starting to feel that something had gone wrong between his two seniors. He shouldn't get involved in what was not his business.

“Would you?” Kuroo asked then.

“Yes,” Akaashi said.

Kuroo was quiet again, but not for as long.

“I need to tell you something first,” he said. “I think that it might be the reason for everything, but I don't want Bokuto to be the one to tell you in case he does.”

Akaashi made a sound of understanding. He didn't know what to think.

“So, Akaashi,” Kuroo said slowly, and Akaashi knew that he was purposefully trying to delay the inevitable.

“Yes, Kuroo-san?” Akaashi replied to encourage the older boy.

Kuroo sighed.

“I'm gay,” he said.

It was followed by silence. Akaashi could hear Kuroo's nervousness in the silence.

“I can't say I'm not surprised,” Akaashi said.

He had never had to think about his viewpoint on gays. Honestly speaking he hadn't expected to ever face such a dilemma – if you could call it that.

“Please, don't tell anyone,” Kuroo pleaded almost desperately, and Akaashi smiled.

“I promise I won't,” he said, and he meant it.

Kuroo was still the same person he had been before: seemingly full of himself but sensitive behind his smirks.

“Thank you,” Kuroo said, and then: “I'm sorry.”

Akaashi told him to not apologise.

“Did you tell Bokuto-san?” Akaashi asked then.

Kuroo’s voice was heavy.

“Ever since then he hasn't talked to me,” he said.

Akaashi nodded to himself.

“I never thought Bokuto would take it that bad,” Kuroo added.

Akaashi considered staying silent, but then decided against it. If Kuroo thought that Bokuto might out him to Akaashi, Bokuto would probably tell him other details as well.

“Kuroo-san,” Akaashi asked calmly. “Do you have feelings for Bokuto-san?”

Kuroo made a strangled sound, and Akaashi didn't need more to know that he had gotten it right. Kuroo was breathing loudly, like his throat was on fire.

“I confessed to him,” he then said, and Akaashi thought that he sounded close to tears. “I didn't think he'd hate me for it.”

Akaashi hummed in agreement.

“Maybe I misunderstood,” Kuroo said sadly. “I thought he was flirting, but maybe I got it wrong. You know, maybe I was just so hopeful that I couldn't read him correctly.”

Akaashi didn't have anything to say. He didn't think that Bokuto would be the type to discriminate so harshly, but there were many things he didn't know about the older boy.

“I'll talk to him,” Akaashi said.

“Thank you,” Kuroo said before adding: “If it's my fault, will you tell me?”

Akaashi promised to tell him when he had talked to Bokuto.

*

Akaashi couldn't find a good moment to have a proper conversation with Bokuto the following day, and felt disheartened as he headed home. Bokuto's behaviour hadn't gotten any more unusual, so it was probably fine to wait.

Akaashi stopped. He thought about the distress in Kuroo’s voice. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but to Kuroo it was. To Kuroo it meant a friendship with someone he truly cared about, so who was Akaashi to decide whether it was important enough or not.

He turned around and headed back to school. He had been slow to leave in the first place in the hopes that Bokuto might cut his practise early and show up, with no luck, and the school was now quiet. He headed to the gym.

Akaashi stood outside of the dark gym. Just like before, Bokuto was not there. It was so quiet you would have heard a pin drop.

In fact, Akaashi heard something. He wasn't sure if he had just imagined it, but he had no other leads so he might just as well investigate. He opened the door to the club room and looked inside. The lights were on, but he couldn't see anyone. He stepped inside and quietly closed the door behind to listen. He could hear muffled voices from the locker room next door. Akaashi stepped closer to listen.

Bokuto sounded like he was in pain. Akaashi's heart shuddered. Bokuto groaned and sniffled. Maybe he had hurt himself. Maybe he had twist his ankle and needed help.

Akaashi lifted his hand to the doorknob before it occurred to him that the sounds he was hearing could have been produced by something other than pain too.

Akaashi's heart beat louder. Did Bokuto secretly have a girlfriend?

Akaashi shook his head. Even if Bokuto did, why would he bring his girlfriend to the locker room for sex? Akaashi forced himself to smirk at the thought before taking a hold of the doorknob and quietly pulling the door open.

Nothing could have prepared Akaashi for what he saw; Bokuto was in the locker room, but not with a girl. He was kneeling on the floor between the legs of another senior that Akaashi recognised from the wrestling club. There were two more boys in the room, and Akaashi realised they were all from the same club. Bokuto’s eyes were half-lidded, tears streaming down his cheeks as he sucked the thick cock of the one boy. The two others had their cocks exposed as well, one of them stroking his while his eyes were focused on the way his friend’s cock disappeared and appeared between Bokuto’s lips, while the other was jerking his cock and kneeling behind Bokuto.

Akaashi had frozen in place. His heart was beating so loudly that he was certain it was only a matter of seconds before the boys in the room could hear it. He watched how the one boy – Himura, if his memory didn’t fail him – took a hold of Bokuto’s hips and lifted them up, pressing his cock between Bokuto’s ass cheeks. Bokuto shuddered, and his head was suddenly pulled back by the boy whose cock he had been sucking, a fist so tight in his hair that his knuckles were white.

“Fucking watch those teeth!” the boy yelled angrily and slapped Bokuto’s cheek so hard that the sound of it seemed to echo in Akaashi’s ears.

“I’m sorry,” Bokuto tried to mutter, but his head was pulled back to awkwardly bend his neck.

“I’ve told you so many times,” the boy hissed before letting go of Bokuto’s hair.

“I’m sorry,” Bokuto repeated, head falling forward.

All the while Himura was pushing inside him, as if nothing unusual was going on.

“Stupid whore,” the boy in front of Bokuto said before slapping him again.

Bokuto’s head turned to the side, and his hazy gaze fell to the tip of Akaashi’s shoe. Akaashi thought that his heart would stop beating. Bokuto’s eyes widened and he looked up in panic before turning away and facing the cock in front of him.

“If I feel your teeth even graze me again, I’ll punch them out of your mouth,” the boy said, taking a hold of Bokuto’s hair again and forcing the boy’s face to his cock.

Bokuto whimpered and obediently opened his mouth, the heavy tip of the wet cock resting on his tongue.

Akaashi felt sick, and as quietly as he possibly could, he pulled the door closed again. He backed away slowly, opened and closed the next door carefully, and turned around to walk away quickly. He didn’t stop before he was outside the gates and on his way home.

Akaashi felt sick.

What should he do?

*

When he saw Bokuto waiting for him by the school gate the next morning, Akaashi wasn’t surprised.

“I need to talk to you,” Bokuto said, and Akaashi followed him to an empty classroom.

Bokuto was nervously fidgeting, and Akaashi instinctively wanted to touch him to help it, but he didn’t. He didn’t know if that was what Bokuto really needed. Maybe the boy needed space.

“You should forget what you saw yesterday,” Bokuto said.

It wasn’t what Akaashi had expected, although a part of him understood where it was coming from. He didn’t want to understand it. He wanted Bokuto to ask for help.

“Why?” he asked.

Bokuto looked at him like it was the last question he would have expected.

“Why?” the boy repeated, staring at Akaashi. “Because... Because you shouldn't get involved.”

Akaashi nodded slowly.

“What if I want to get involved?” Akaashi asked.

Bokuto looked angry. Akaashi had never seen him like that, and it was disheartening. He didn't want to see Bokuto as anything but happy and elated.

“You can't,” Bokuto said with fire in his voice.

Akaashi thought for a moment. His personality made him want to back off and leave it at that – after all it was what Bokuto wanted – but defiance burnt in his gut, and just for once he decided to listen to that.

“Why’s that, Bokuto-san?” Akaashi asked.

Bokuto's anger dissolved as quickly as it had risen, and the crease between his brows was now caused by anxiety instead.

“Akaashi,” he said almost pleading. “You can't get into trouble with them.”

“With Himura and his friends?” Akaashi asked. “Are you in trouble with them?”

Bokuto took a step back and folded his arms.

“It's...” he had trouble finding words. “No?”

“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said as calmly as he could. “Are you telling me that you were willingly participating in... whatever you want to call it?”

Bokuto stood so still that he was actually swaying a bit. His chin was wobbling, although he clearly did his best to hide it.

“Yes,” he finally said.

Even if Akaashi didn't know the older boy so well, he would have been able to tell that he was lying.

“I see,” Akaashi said.

“So, you see,” Bokuto said quickly, “that's why you should drop it.”

Akaashi looked at him, but Bokuto was stubbornly staring back, not willing to back away.

“Okay,” Akaashi said. “It's your decision. If that's what you're into.”

Bokuto's face dropped before he could stop it. He opened his mouth but no voice came out. Akaashi waited, but the older boy eventually closed his mouth and nodded, eyes downcast.

“That's what I want,” he said quietly.

As Akaashi turned around and left the classroom, his heart was squeezing like it was going to shatter.

*

If Bokuto thought that Akaashi would buy everything he said, he was badly mistaken. After taking a few hours to think, Akaashi had decided what to do, and during lunch he went to the teachers’ lounge to meet the volleyball club's advisor.

Akaashi was well aware of how unbelievable his story sounded, but after talking about Bokuto's weird mood over the past weeks, the teacher was ready to believe it.

After club activities, Bokuto was once again dragging behind, saying that he would stay for a while longer. The teacher talked to him, but Bokuto talked his way out of it. Akaashi didn't feel right heading to the locker room and knowing what was going to happen later when everyone else had left.

Akaashi wouldn't know what the teacher decided to do, before the following day.

*

Akaashi slept restlessly, and when he didn't spot Bokuto in school the next day, he was far from his calm self. He forced himself to stay focused, because worrying wouldn't change anything, and during lunch he was pleasantly surprised by Bokuto showing up in his class asking for him.

He happily followed his senior to a secluded spot in the yard. Bokuto turned to look at him with a stern face.

“I told you to forget about it,” he said.

Akaashi heart skipped a beat and he wondered if he had really done Bokuto a disservice, before he caught the edge of a smile on the boy's face.

“You're a terrible liar, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said.

Bokuto's face broke into a wide smile and he pulled Akaashi into a bone-breaking hug. Akaashi hadn't expected it, but for once he was glad to let Bokuto act on his happiness. He deserved it.

“I should have known that I can count on you,” Bokuto said before releasing his junior.

Akaashi smiled gently.

“Is everything fine with Himura now?” he asked.

Bokuto nodded. Akaashi couldn't remember a moment when he would have been more relieved.


	2. Kuroo

Kuroo had known Bokuto for only slightly more than a year, but he considered the boy to be his closest friend. They knew pretty much everything about each other, except for one thing.

That detail would have been key in reassuring Kuroo that he wasn't about to make the biggest, most stupid mistake of his life, but what could you do. He had thought about it a lot, ever since the first year of high school was only half way over and he hadn't known Bokuto for more than 5 months. He had figured that Bokuto would understand. Bokuto always understood when someone was different. Bokuto was always ready to listen.

All this didn't make Kuroo feel any less uneasy when he pulled Bokuto aside after their joint practise was over and they were getting ready to head home.

“Hey, I wanted to tell you something,” he said.

Bokuto immediately turned his attention to him, and it was almost too much. Kuroo's heart was pounding nervously against his ribs, he was already starting to have regrets, but he swallowed his nerves and focused on the soft expression of care on his best friend's face.

“You know,” he said, still delaying the inevitable for just a tad longer. “I'm gay.”

Bokuto looked at him just like always, although there was the tiniest twitch in his brow.

“And,” Kuroo added before losing his courage, “I really like you, Bokuto.”

Bokuto's eyes went blank for a moment before he turned his head away. Kuroo could nearly hear how Bokuto would reject him, could already imagine all the excuses the boy would come up with, and he was so surprised when Bokuto spoke that he couldn't move for a while.

“I'm sorry,” Bokuto said, turned around, and ran.

Kuroo looked after him. He had never thought that one day he would be watching Bokuto run away from him. And with nothing: no excuses, not even his name. Just a faint apology hung heavy over Kuroo, and when he could finally walk again he cried all the way home.

*

The hardest part about having had his heart broken by his best friend was that he couldn't tell anyone. He did consider telling Kenma just so he would feel less lonely, but he didn't think Kenma wanted to hear him pine after another guy. Well, Kenma probably didn't want to hear him pine after a girl either, but in both cases the conclusion was that he had no outlet for his sorrow.

If Kuroo was being honest, he expected Bokuto to talk to him again after getting over the initial shock. So, when it had been a week and there had been no word from Bokuto, he was disappointed into tears again.

He tried calling Bokuto, but there was no answer. He sent messages that went unanswered, and the one time he actually went to Bokuto's house there was no one home. Although he did see the curtain of Bokuto's window shift. Kuroo even considered going to Fukurodani to meet Bokuto there, but he didn't want to cause a public scene in case Bokuto would overreact (he probably would) and blurt out details that Kuroo preferred to keep secret.

Kuroo was reminiscing. The first time he had met Bokuto was during a joint practise – of course it was. He had been tying his shoelaces that would keep opening at the wrong moment, when he heard a presence behind him.

“Hey hey hey!” an energetic voice called, and Kuroo turned to look at the boy whose silver hair was slicked back. “Your hair is cool!”

Kuroo felt a familiar pang in his heart. It was the same one he had felt when he had fallen for that one boy he then continued to pine after for three years before forcing himself to get over it when they went to different schools. It was also the same feeling he had gotten when he first kissed a boy behind the school and realised how much better it felt than all the previous times with girls. It meant that he was going to be trapped if he let his guard down.

“Thanks,” he said and smiled. “Your hair is cool too.”

The boy before him smiled widely, and the warmth that filled Kuroo was completely new. He was already trapped.

Still, Kuroo did his best to keep his feelings in check. Having a crush was okay for as long as he didn't get close to the boy who introduced himself as Bokuto Koutarou. Unfortunately, Bokuto didn't know about this rule and sought Kuroo’s company. It was so easy to slide into a friendship with someone who was so similar yet different enough, someone so vibrant. Bokuto made Kuroo feel alive, and how could one say no to that?

So Kuroo decided that it was okay to be friends with Bokuto for as long as he didn't start getting delusional or dream about them being more than friends. He shouldn’t get too focused on the small details of his face, how his silver eyebrows were so expressive and how his eyelashes fluttered when he looked down. Bokuto wasn't exactly lean but he was strong and he worked hard to get into better shape. Kuroo helped him multiple times, dreaming of a day when Bokuto would stop doing sit-ups to kiss him.

After suffering from nightly dreams of Bokuto kissing him Kuroo had had enough, which is why he was now in such a horrible state of having his heart broken and having lost his best friend. Kuroo could only hope that he hadn't made Bokuto feel so uncomfortable that it would distract his life too.

In desperation Kuroo picked up the phone and called Akaashi. If there was someone who would know about Bokuto, it was him.

“Has Bokuto been acting weird lately?” he asked the boy.

Akaashi sounded worried after the question, and Kuroo was starting to think that it had been a mistake to call. Even more so when Akaashi promised to talk to Bokuto. Bokuto might tell Akaashi too much.

“I should tell you something,” he said, mentally cursing himself for bringing up the trouble with Bokuto and now having to out himself, which would probably cause him to lose another friend. “I'm gay.”

Akaashi was annoyingly quiet. You could never tell what it meant, and Kuroo was reluctant to ask.

“So you think that Bokuto-san is avoiding you for that reason?” Akaashi asked without directly commenting on Kuroo’s admittance.

When the call was over Kuroo didn't feel better at all. He felt even more confused now than before. He already felt bad for having made Bokuto so uncomfortable that the boy was avoiding him, and now he felt horrible for getting Akaashi involved in the mess. At least he would get some closure, he tried to make himself feel better. At least he would know that Bokuto was fine now that Kuroo was gone from his life.

*

It took three days before Kuroo got answers. He had been on edge ever since the phone call with Akaashi, and it was starting to affect both his studies and volleyball.

It was late in the evening when Kuroo's phone rang. He jumped on his seat and reached for it immediately, certain that the caller would be Akaashi. What he was not expecting was to see Bokuto's name on the screen.

Kuroo took a quick moment to breathe before hurrying to answer before Bokuto could reconsider. His hands were shaking and his heart hammering in his chest. He felt slightly queasy when he pressed the phone against his ear.

“Hello,” he said almost timidly.

A short silence followed, during which Kuroo feared that Bokuto would hang up, but then he heard the voice he had missed for days.

“Hi,” Bokuto said.

He sounded sad. Kuroo didn't know why. He couldn't imagine why. He only knew that he didn't ever want to hear Bokuto sound like that.

“I missed you,” Kuroo wanted to say, but instead he said: “Hi.”

He wanted to slap himself for being unable to properly talk to Bokuto, but he wasn't prepared. He had no idea what Bokuto wanted. Maybe it would be their last conversation ever, and Bokuto was struggling to talk to Kuroo who was grossly gay and had inconvenient feelings for his friend.

“Yeah,” Bokuto said and laughed, but it wasn't his usual laugh.

There was nothing but sadness behind it.

“So,” Kuroo breathed.

“Akaashi said that you called,” Bokuto said.

“He did, huh?” Kuroo asked, although of course Akaashi had told.

The great and annoying thing about Akaashi was that the boy could be brutally honest. Kuroo wondered what else Akaashi had told Bokuto.

“I'm sorry,” Bokuto said, and Kuroo felt like suffocating. “Kuroo, I'm really sorry for doing such a shitty thing.”

Kuroo was stunned to silence, unable to argue. He hadn't expected Bokuto to call in the first place, but he wouldn't have expected an apology even in his wildest dreams.

“I need to explain,” Bokuto said. “But I don't want to do it over the phone.”

Kuroo nodded before he realised that Bokuto couldn't see. He gasped, words still too difficult to manage.

“Are you okay?” Bokuto asked.

“Y- Yeah,” Kuroo forced out.

His voice sounded just as emotional as he felt.

“Kuroo... Tetsurou. I'm really sorry,” Bokuto said again.

Hearing his name from Bokuto was what made Kuroo tear up. He wanted to say something, anything, but couldn't bring himself to even open his mouth.

“Don't be sad,” Bokuto said so gently that there was nothing Kuroo could do to stop the tears. “Please, Tetsurou. I don't want you to be sad.”

Kuroo sniffled loudly, wiping his tears and trying to speak.

“I missed you,” he mumbled between sobs.

Bokuto whined like a hurt dog.

“I'll come see you right now,” he said.

“No, no,” Kuroo tried, but knew that he didn't sound very convincing with his sobbing. “It's late.”

“It's too late to wait any longer,” Bokuto insisted.

Kuroo was about to argue further, but Bokuto hung up before he had a chance. He sat there with his phone in his hand for a while before putting it down. He wiped his face, but then decided otherwise and let it be. Instead he left the room and creeped into the living room, where his parents were watching a movie together. He hovered at the door when his father noticed him.

“Tetsurou? What's wrong?” he asked, and Kuroo’s mother turned to look at him too.

“I just,” Kuroo said, voice thick, and cleared his throat. “Bokuto is coming over.”

His father frowned and looked at the time before turning to look at his wife.

“Make sure you get some sleep too,” he then said and smiled at his son.

It seemed to take forever before Bokuto called and said he was waiting outside. Kuroo sneaked downstairs, his parents already gone to bed, and opened the door.

Seeing Bokuto nearly made him cry again, and he couldn't help collapsing into a hug against Bokuto who merely laughed and caught him with a wide smile.

They hurried back to Kuroo's room. They sat down next to the bed, and that's when awkwardness hit Kuroo. He still didn't know what Bokuto thought about his confession, and he had no idea what had caused the long silence from Bokuto.

“Hey, Kuroo,” Bokuto said, voice just as friendly as always.

Kuroo looked at him warily. He didn't dare hope anything, but a part of him kept saying that Bokuto wouldn't have come all the way there to turn him down.

“I'm sorry for being a dick,” Bokuto said. “I just. I didn't know how to handle everything so I didn't even try.”

Kuroo frowned. What “everything” was Bokuto talking about? He had thought that Bokuto's sudden distance was solely caused by his confession, but was there another reason he didn't know about?

“Look, Kuroo,” Bokuto started almost shyly, voice wavering slightly. “I was really happy when you told me... Because I'm gay too.”

Kuroo gasped quietly. Things were not going like he had expected at all. He had thought that Bokuto was going to maybe apologise for overreacting and ask to be friends again. Even in his wildest dreams he had been too afraid to hope that the boy might be the same as him. His heart was pounding heavily, and he tried to keep the tingle of hope away but couldn't help it.

“If I'm honest,” Bokuto said and stopped to look at Kuroo for confirmation before continuing. “I haven't thought about you as anything more than a friend. Well, apart from when I first met you and thought that you were the most amazing hottest guy ever. But you know. I figured you were straight so I pushed it away.”

Kuroo felt like he might faint. Would he be allowed to get hopeful now? Or was this just Bokuto's difficult way of turning him down? His heart was beating so hard he thought it might burst for real.

“Do you still like me?” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo stared at him dumbfounded. He had already established that Bokuto wasn't following any of his expectations, but the more their conversation – or Bokuto's monologue – went on the more wrong he found himself to be.

“Yes,” Kuroo finally burst out after a too-long silence.

Bokuto smiled. It was a sweet smile, and it was a smile that Kuroo wasn't used to: something different from his usual smile that seemed to light up the entire room, but still so inherently Bokuto.

“Good,” Bokuto said. “I like you too, Kuroo. I thought about it, I really did, and the more I think about you the more I like you.”

Kuroo stared in silence.

“But you said you haven't thought about me as anything more than a friend,” Kuroo said weakly.

Bokuto laughed.

“I meant before you confessed,” he said.

Kuroo felt like an idiot for still not being able to comprehend what Bokuto was telling him. He must have made some kind of a mistake, he heard wrong or understood wrong or maybe he was dreaming.

“Kuroo,” Bokuto said gently.

He reached out a hand and slowly placed it on Kuroo's cheek. The touch was soft, yet it electrified Kuroo's entire being. His face was burning and Bokuto smiled at him, fingers stroking Kuroo's cheek. They were calloused but perfect.

Kuroo thought that he should say something, but he couldn't form words. He looked at Bokuto's smile, could practically feel a blush creeping over his face as Bokuto's hand remained on its place.

“Kuroo,” Bokuto said again. “I want to kiss you.”

Kuroo realised that his mouth was open. He closed it and swallowed. He had never felt so paralysed in his life. He had never wanted anything as badly as he wanted to kiss Bokuto right now, but a part of his brain was still unsure if he was really allowed.

Bokuto's smile was getting nervous. Kuroo lifted his hand to Bokuto's. His skin was warm, and Kuroo watched his face for any signs of refusal. There were none, so he leaned towards the boy. Bokuto's hand slipped away from Kuroo's face, but Kuroo didn't let go of him.

Bokuto gasped right before their lips met. Kuroo's entire body was shivering. Bokuto's lips were dry but surprisingly soft. Kuroo wondered if his own lips felt good at all. He didn't want to think about stupid things while kissing Bokuto.

His heart burned when he pulled away and saw the faint blush on Bokuto's cheeks. He was certain that he had never seen anything even close to as beautiful as Bokuto was.

Bokuto looked up. Kuroo was going to lean towards him for a new kiss, but stopped when something in the other boy shifted and there was now something frightened in his gaze.

“Bokuto,” Kuroo said just to fill the silence now that he wasn't sure what he was allowed to do.

Bokuto clearly backed away, and Kuroo let go of his hand. The fear of rejection was back, and he hated it. He should have known better than to assume that he could kiss Bokuto without asking for a permission.

“You,” Bokuto said and rubbed his knees, “probably want to...”

Kuroo blinked a few times, trying to establish what Bokuto was talking about. Did he miss some obvious clue?

“Kuroo,” Bokuto said sadly.

He was looking Kuroo in the eyes. His gaze was somehow wrong, and Kuroo didn't even know how.

“I can't do it,” Bokuto said. “I can't get physical.”

Kuroo thought that he probably looked stupid with how he was just staring at Bokuto. Had the boy really thought that he expected them to fu-, to have sex already? It upset him to think that Bokuto thought so lowly of him.

“I wasn't going to,” he said defensively.

Bokuto shook his head.

“No,” he said. “I mean that... that I don't know if I'll ever be ready.”

“Oh,” Kuroo replied before he could even think.

Bokuto wasn’t looking at him anymore. He was focused on the floor, hands restlessly moving from knees to floor and back to knees.

“Do you…” Kuroo tried to collect his thoughts quickly. “Do you not want to?”

Bokuto quickly glanced up before looking down.

“It’s not that,” he said. “I want to, but I don’t think I can.”

“Oh, okay,” Kuroo said, internally rolling his eyes at himself for not making the awkward situation any better. “Why?”

Bokuto bit his lip.

“I can’t say,” he said.

“You can’t or you don’t want to?” Kuroo had to ask.

Bokuto froze. It lasted much longer than Kuroo would have expected. It lasted too long, before Bokuto finally took a deep breath.

“I don’t want to,” he mumbled.

Kuroo had already partly forgotten that he had asked a question, but now he was back at wondering what could have possibly made Bokuto like this.

“Okay,” he replied, although it wasn’t okay, not really.

Bokuto usually told him everything. Why was there now something that the boy didn’t talk about?

“Kuroo,” Bokuto said quietly. “Do you still want to be with me? Even if we can’t…”

“Yes,” Kuroo said, before Bokuto’s voice had even properly trailed off. “I don’t care about sex. I don’t care even if I can never touch you.”

Bokuto looked up, seeming surprised. Kuroo wanted to tell him that it should have been obvious, his love should have been so obvious. Bokuto smiled then, and even though there was an edge of pain beneath it, his face looked soft and warm, just like usual. Bokuto reached out to take a hold of Kuroo’s hand.

“I… I don’t mind kissing,” he said, eyes wide and glowing like molten gold.

Kuroo nodded stiffly. He wanted to kiss Bokuto again, but the rejection from a few minutes ago made him hesitate. His heart was almost hurting with how many different feelings he had gone through since Bokuto had first called him.

Bokuto smiled before leaning towards him, and Kuroo’s mind went blank when they kissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not too happy with this chapter, actually, but. I don't know, I hope it's better than I think it is!


	3. Bokuto

They had been dating for a few weeks, when it started bothering Bokuto: the way Kuroo would look at his body when he thought that Bokuto couldn’t see. It would be a lie to say it didn’t keep him awake at nights, thinking about the fact that it was normal for young men to want to have sex with their significant other, and how Kuroo probably wanted to have sex with him.

That’s where his thoughts usually went off the rails, because just the thought of having sex with another man made Bokuto’s skin crawl in the wrong way. His bedroom was quiet, and he couldn’t help suffocating with the darkness. The thought of sex reminded him of clammy hands that were holding him down and forcing him open and the smell of sweaty cocks that had made him gag.

Bokuto would turn to his side and squeeze his eyes shut, press his face against the pillow, but he couldn’t force away the thoughts.

He should have gone see a therapist, he knew it, but he didn’t want to. He had been saved from what was happening, and it was enough to make things better.

Except, he had to begrudgingly admit, it wasn’t really.

Because the memories would keep coming, and he would suddenly remember the way it felt when his mouth was full of someone’s cock and he couldn’t even remember which one of the three had shoved theirs in him that time. He wasn’t sure who was forcing a couple of fingers past his tight entrance only to soon ram their cock inside him. And it always felt too big and wrong and he wanted to run away but he was too scared.

It had been a few weeks since Bokuto and Kuroo became an item, and Bokuto knew that Kuroo was holding back every time they kissed, because he wanted to respect the boundaries that Bokuto had set. And really, who could ask for a better boyfriend than that? Kuroo was amazing, he was always gentle and made sure to ask before kissing Bokuto, and Bokuto had already respected Kuroo a lot, but knowing how thoughtful he was now… And Kuroo didn’t even know why Bokuto required a certain distance between their bodies. Kuroo didn’t even know why Bokuto felt faint whenever he thought about letting Kuroo touch him more than just hold hands.

It was one of those nights when Bokuto lay awake in his bed and thought about his life and what a weird turn it had taken, just like that. One day everything was perfectly fine, and suddenly there was nothing left. Bokuto’s knees sometimes ached when he thought about the long afternoons of dread before the ordeal. He felt like the darkness was suffocating him, and he wanted to tell Kuroo everything just to let his boyfriend know that it wasn’t his fault, it was Himura’s fault and his friends’ fault and maybe Bokuto would never be ready for Kuroo to touch him.

There was a part of Bokuto that didn’t doubt it when Kuroo told him that it didn’t matter even if they never had sex. Kuroo was the kind of a guy who would be fine with it, who would hold hands with him and kiss him, not question why he didn’t want to cuddle, and then would discreetly jerk off in the shower. The issue didn’t lie with Kuroo, it lay with Bokuto.

Kuroo Tetsurou was a hot piece of flesh, and Bokuto had known it ever since he first lay eyes on him. That’s why he had approached Kuroo in the first place, if only to get a closer look at his face and that sexy smirk. Bokuto might have even jerked off a few times thinking about those lips wrapping around his cock when he sinks his fingers in the messy hair. While he had been able to cool off his thoughts as their friendship developed, they had been reignited by Kuroo’s confession.

Bokuto wanted to have sex with Kuroo.

That’s right. Bokuto Koutarou, the guy who was unable to think about having sex without getting a bad taste in his mouth, wanted nothing more than to fuck the sex god that also happened to be his boyfriend.

And he found it extremely unfair that he couldn’t, because of some guys who thought (rightfully so, it had turned out) that they could blackmail Bokuto into their bitch.

Bokuto was biting his teeth, only noticed it when his jaw started to feel stiff. He opened his mouth wide before closing it again. His jaw didn’t feel much better. Neither did his knees. Or his heart.

He called Kuroo. He had to tell Kuroo.

“Are you fucking serious?” Kuroo answered his phone.

“Kuroo,” Bokuto said, his heart pounding so hard it seemed to rattle his ribs.

“Bokuto, it’s fucking three, let me sleep,” Kuroo whined.

“Kuroo, I want to have sex with you,” Bokuto blurted out.

Silence followed. Then some rustling.

“Okay, I’m awake now,” Kuroo said, clearly intrigued. “But you know, it’s still late. Or early, whichever way you want to look at it. It’s not like we can do it now.”

Bokuto let out a whine. He really should have thought a bit more before calling Kuroo out of the blue. In the middle of the night.

“I appreciate you letting me know,” Kuroo said and laughed a bit to lighten up the mood. “But try to sleep, okay, babe.”

“Yeah,” Bokuto said. “Sorry.”

His face was burning. He should think more before he acts.

“See you tomorrow, right?” Kuroo asked and yawned.

“Yeah,” Bokuto said. “Sorry again. Sleep well, Tetsurou.”

“You too, Koutarou,” Kuroo chuckled. “Babe.”

Kuroo made kissy noises before hanging up.

Bokuto threw his arm over his eyes. The phone was still in his hand. What was he thinking?

The rest of the night was spent in a weird state of sleep and awake, Bokuto at one point waking up to the phone dropping from his hand to the bed. Being tired didn’t help his mood, and the dread of seeing Kuroo later that day was getting more and more intense as time ticked by.

Bokuto thought about the first day after Himura and his buddies had been busted by the teacher. They had been taken by the police and their parents had been informed. He had felt light, and he had hugged Akaashi. After that hug he hadn’t been able to hug anyone else. Not that he had wanted to, until he and Kuroo started dating. He wanted to hug Kuroo, but every time he had tried, he had been stopped by something inside him telling him it wasn’t a good idea.

How on earth did he think he could have sex with Kuroo if they couldn’t even hug?

That question was still in his mind when he headed to Kuroo’s place, when Kuroo smiled at him, when they held hands in the fully packed train and nobody could see. When Kuroo closed to door to his room, even though the rest of his family was away, and would remain away until the following day.

Bokuto sure had timed his weird nightly burst of confidence at the worst time.

Kuroo turned to look at him, and Bokuto couldn’t quite look back. He looked down to Kuroo’s feet. Kuroo wore black socks. They were quite worn out. Bokuto felt like he understood how those socks felt, under so much pressure but no relief until they would break.

Maybe it was time to do just that.

And that is what Bokuto did; he burst to tears.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo gasped and stepped forward.

Bokuto backed away. Kuroo’s arms were raised, he was going to hug him, Bokuto couldn’t deal with that. Kuroo stopped and hesitated, lowered his arms. He stood there, unable to figure out what was going on, and Bokuto cried like he probably should have cried a long time ago.

“I can’t do it,” he sobbed. “Because it was so horrible. I can’t forget it.”

“What?” Kuroo asked, stepped a bit closer. “Koutarou, what are you talking about?”

Bokuto took a step back again. Kuroo was too close. He was a man, maybe not anywhere near as muscular as Himura and his wrestling buddies, but right now almost anyone would be stronger than Bokuto, almost anybody could force him down on his knees and make him undress and record a video of him humiliating himself in the locker rooms, and he just couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to get out, but Kuroo was standing on his way, and he knew that he wouldn’t make it past.

So, he stepped back, one step at a time, until his back hit the wall and there was nowhere else to go.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto noted that the boy had stayed still, hadn’t chased after him, and that felt good, but it also felt bad. Kuroo was still blocking the door, and Bokuto couldn’t run.

“Please, tell me what’s wrong!” Kuroo pleaded. “I can’t just stand here and look at you like that.”

Yes, because Bokuto was disgusting. He remembered it like it was yesterday, how the teacher and the police had looked at him in utter disgust when they reviewed the video on Himura’s phone. He had burnt in shame and he had wanted to crawl under the chair, but that would have been foolish of him, he was too big to fit there, it made him just more revolting to even think that he could.

Bokuto’s knees were aching, and he slapped them. He noticed that Kuroo flinched, and it scared him to think that very soon Kuroo would attack, he would force him open and it would hurt, and.

Bokuto slid down to the floor.

“Koutarou?” Kuroo tried again.

Why did he think it was a good idea to come? He should have gone home to stay safe. He should have gone home with Akaashi, and he would be safe.

He heard a weird sound, and he looked over to Kuroo. His boyfriend was crying too, and oh god it was his fault. He was making Kuroo cry. He was making all these mistakes, it was his own fault that everything happened the way it did, and now he was dragging Kuroo with him too.

He watched as Kuroo kneeled onto the floor, still far away from him, and cried, hands tight against his knees.

“Why won’t you talk to me, Koutarou?” Kuroo asked between sobs.

Bokuto really wanted to tell him, but it was too hard. He couldn’t stop crying. How could he tell Kuroo when the words wouldn’t come?

“Koutarou,” Kuroo sniffled.

It felt good to hear Kuroo call his name. He felt like he was someone again. It was better, but he still didn’t know how to approach the subject. Then he thought of a solution.

“Akaashi,” he sobbed, and had to try twice before it came out right.

Kuroo lifted his head immediately and looked at him.

“What about Akaashi?” Kuroo asked. “Do you want him? Should I call him?”

Bokuto nodded, but then shook his head. He couldn’t make Kuroo think that he wanted Akaashi when he just wanted Kuroo. He didn’t know how to ask for it, so he simply lifted his arms up in the hopes that Kuroo would understand.

Kuroo did understand, Bokuto could tell, but he didn’t move immediately. Bokuto watched how Kuroo shifted, carefully moved forward, eyes fixed on Bokuto’s feature. Bokuto understood that Kuroo was looking for signs if discomfort, or panic even, and it made him feel bad again to think that his boyfriend had to be so careful to approach him into a simple hug. His arms wavered, but he kept them up for a while longer, Kuroo still moving forward slowly like Bokuto was a scared animal. When Kuroo was close enough to touch, Bokuto let his arms fall. They were heavy. His body was heavy, and the tears were heavy too, but that was good, that meant that they would go away soon.

When Kuroo settled in front of Bokuto, when Kuroo’s hands touched Bokuto’s back and arms pulled him against his body, Bokuto blinked away the last tears, but he felt panic arising again. He had to push it down, he had to stop it before it could surface and scare Kuroo away.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said, as if he knew what Bokuto was struggling with. “Koutarou.”

Bokuto sniffled and nuzzled his face against the crook of Kuroo’s neck. Slowly he lifted one hand to place it on Kuroo’s back. Kuroo was muscular but lean, his body completely different from the three that had plagued Bokuto’s nightmares, and it was easier to breathe. Kuroo smelled good, he smelled familiar, and Bokuto’s chest felt just a tad lighter.

“Has something happened?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded against him, but that was the extent of his communicational skills at that moment. It didn’t matter, Kuroo’s hands seemed to say as they rubbed Bokuto’s back, slow circles, Kuroo’s breath was a tickle on Bokuto’s nape, and Bokuto was so happy to realise how calm Kuroo’s closeness made him feel that he burst to tears again.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said.

It was a question, and Bokuto wanted to answer it, but his words were too sticky.

Bokuto pulled away from the hug, and Kuroo immediately released him. Bokuto kept him close enough to feel his warmth. He didn’t want Kuroo to go away again. He looked up to Kuroo’s eyes. They were red and swollen, and Bokuto loved Kuroo from the bottom of his heart.

“I love you,” he said.

He hadn’t planned on saying it. He thought that he wouldn’t be able to talk. But there it was. And Kuroo smiled, slowly brought their noses together, and smiled.

“I love you too,” he said.

Bokuto still couldn’t bring himself to talk about anything that they needed to talk about.

“Tetsu-,” Bokuto tried, but the words stuck in his throat.

Kuroo was stroking his hair, and he looked happy. He must have been happy to finally be able to touch his boyfriend. Bokuto wanted him to understand.

“Call Akaashi,” he forced out. “He knows.”

Kuroo looked him in the eyes and softly kissed his forehead before backing away and getting his phone.

Bokuto dreaded the conversation that was to come. He watched Kuroo’s face when he talked to Akaashi. It took quite some convincing before Akaashi agreed to talk, and when he did, all colour drained from Kuroo’s face.

When the call ended, Bokuto felt small and insignificant. He felt like he was shrinking, and Kuroo looked at him for a long time without a word.

“I don’t know what to say,” Kuroo finally said, and Bokuto didn’t know how to take it.

Kuroo looked at him for a moment longer, brows creased and a serious look on his tear-stained face.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through something like that,” Kuroo then said. “I can’t even begin to imagine.”

Kuroo was keeping a distance, and Bokuto wondered if it was because he was tainted.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, Koutarou,” Kuroo said.

“It’s okay,” Bokuto burst out.

He sniffled. He felt like he was all out of tears, and he hoped that he was right.

“It all makes sense,” Kuroo said thoughtfully.

He then reached out and took a hold of both of Bokuto’s hands, squeezing slightly.

“I knew there was a reason for all this,” Kuroo said, “but I didn’t think it would be something so serious.”

Bokuto almost wanted to pull his hands away from Kuroo’s hold. It started to sound like Kuroo was preparing him for a break-up. He was too much trouble, it was too much for Kuroo to handle such a broken person.

“Thank you,” Kuroo said, and Bokuto could only stare in disbelief. “Thank you for trusting me and letting me hug you.”

Bokuto swallowed the lump that he felt in his throat. He nodded and tugged Kuroo closer.

“You want to cuddle?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded.

They spent the rest of the day cuddling, and that night Bokuto slept soundly in the arms of his boyfriend.

*

“We need to talk,” Bokuto told Kuroo.

It had been three months since Kuroo had found out about the reason for Bokuto’s issues. Ever since then they had cuddled as much as Bokuto could take, and Bokuto was glad to note that every time it felt easier, until one day the panic that he had come to associate with it was gone.

“Sure,” Kuroo said.

They were in Bokuto’s room. Bokuto’s parents were downstairs, and Bokuto thought that it would have been ideal for him to be alone with Kuroo. He didn’t know how he would react to talking about the things he wanted to discuss, and he definitely didn’t want his parents to hear him cry.

“I really want to have sex with you,” Bokuto said.

It wasn’t how he had planned this, but okay. He could work with that. Okay.

Kuroo looked at him in slight disbelief.

“You know it’s okay even if we don’t,” he said.

Bokuto nodded. He knew it already. He had known it ever since Kuroo first said it, but Kuroo had also made sure to repeat it every time he sensed that Bokuto was getting uneasy.

“I want to,” he said. “Kuroo, you’re like, like the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. Why wouldn’t I want to have sex with you?”

Kuroo smiled. Bokuto was expecting him to crack a joke and distract the conversation, but it didn’t happen.

“If you really want it, then of course I want it too,” Kuroo said. “But you have to be sure.”

Bokuto took a hold of Kuroo’s hand, looked at the way their fingers interlaced, and imagined how their bodies would do the same. It made his anxiety spike immediately, and he nearly pulled his hand away before forcing himself to stop.

“Something’s bothering you,” Kuroo stated.

Bokuto nodded. He was still looking at their hands because that felt safer than looking at Kuroo’s understanding face. He wished that Kuroo was just a bit less understanding, just a bit more assertive in helping Bokuto overcome the weird boundaries he had established that didn’t have set rules.

“You should talk to me,” Kuroo said.

“Are you sure?” Bokuto asked.

He finally looked up to Kuroo’s face. It was hard to stay serious with Kuroo’s one eye hidden behind his hair, the back of the hair standing up just like it usually did, although a bit messier after the windy weather outside.

“Are you sure that you want to know?” Bokuto asked.

“Of course,” Kuroo said like it was nothing.

Bokuto bit his lip. It could be that Kuroo already understood, but it could also be that he didn’t. Bokuto didn’t want to sound too serious. He was afraid that what he had to say would scare Kuroo away from him.

“Do you see a future for us together?” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo frowned and squeezed Bokuto’s hand.

“Of course I do,” he said. “Do you not?”

Bokuto shook his head, but then hurried to clarify:

“I want to see it. But I’m not sure how you’re going to… What if it’s too much for you?”

Kuroo lifted his free hand and stroked Bokuto’s cheek. Bokuto had learned to not flinch away every time, but this time he did. He saw the heartbreak in Kuroo’s eyes, and that was exactly why he couldn’t be sure.

“I’m sorry,” he said, even though Kuroo had told him countless of times to not apologise for a natural reaction.

“Don’t apologise,” Kuroo said. “I get it.”

Kuroo’s thumb was soft and his palm warm. Bokuto looked at him to remember who it was touching him.

“What did Akaashi tell you exactly?” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo’s hand dropped, his fingertips brushing gently against Bokuto’s chin before it was gone. Kuroo sucked on his lower lip, a small frown on his face. He released the lip with a wet pop.

“He told me,” Kuroo said, then stopped to clear his throat, “that you were sexually assaulted by three guys from another club. What was it? Boxing?”

“Wrestling,” Bokuto corrected.

Kuroo nodded. He looked down to their connected hands.

“He said that it went on for quite a while, but he wasn’t specific about anything,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto hummed. He wasn’t sure how specific he wanted to get. How specific could he get before Kuroo would be grossed out and leave him?

“I will listen, if you want to tell me,” Kuroo said.

“But you don’t really want to hear,” Bokuto added.

Kuroo looked at him with a serious face. He rarely looked that serious, and Bokuto found it intimidating.

“Of course I hate to think about you in such a situation,” Kuroo said. “But I also… I don’t want to say it’s curiosity, because that’s not right, but you know. How you want to know the things someone you love has gone through?”

Bokuto thought that he knew. After all, he wanted to know everything about Kuroo, everything that had ever happened to him before, even the bad stuff. Even if just to swear vengeance on anyone who had ever wronged his amazing boyfriend.

“Do you want to know how it all started?” Bokuto asked instead of replying.

Kuroo squeezed his hand and nodded. His eyes were wide and frightened, and Bokuto wanted to be closer to him. But he didn’t move. He didn’t move because he didn’t know how he would react to being so close to someone while reminding himself of the worst times he had ever spent with other people.

“I stayed behind once,” Bokuto said, “you know, to practise. I don’t even remember exactly… Those three just appeared when I left the gym, I think. And they shared this weird smirk before approaching me, and they said that they had heard I like… that I like…”

Kuroo leaned forward when Bokuto stumbled over his words.

“That I like to take it up the ass,” Bokuto whispered.

It sounded too loud in the room, and Bokuto was filled with the irrational fear that his parents had somehow heard it and would burst into the room and make Kuroo leave.

“Why?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto shrugged. He had to take a while to breathe. His hand was shaking in Kuroo’s hold.

“I don’t know,” he said then. “I think they just came up with an excuse to target me. I don’t know.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Kuroo said. “Even if they… Well, I don’t know if you like that, but even if you did and they knew, you know…”

Bokuto was surprised by how relieved he was to realise that Kuroo was having just as hard a time as he was with saying things out loud. He smiled and quickly leaned forward to kiss Kuroo. When he shifted back, he laughed at the surprise on Kuroo’s face.

“Have I told you I love you?” he asked.

Kuroo cracked a smile at that.

“You may have mentioned it in passing,” he said, and then got serious again. “You don’t have to tell me more if you don’t want to.”

“I guess I need to,” Bokuto mumbled.

“It’s okay even if you don’t,” Kuroo argued.

Maybe so, but Bokuto was stubborn. He had decided to talk, and talk he would.

“They took me to the locker room,” he continued. “And uh, they forced me to get naked.”

At that point Bokuto had to stop to think. The same routine had repeated so many times that he couldn’t distinguish each time anymore. He wasn’t sure if they had immediately made fun of his body and the size of his cock or if that came later. When was the first time one of them had decided that it would be funny to spank him until he cried?

“I’m not sure,” he said quietly.

“You don’t remember?” Kuroo asked.

He sounded alarmed. Maybe Bokuto should have been too.

“Kuroo, it lasted for so many weeks it was months,” he said instead. “Every single day. You can’t expect me to remember what happened on what day.”

Kuroo looked like his mouth was about to drop open. Bokuto realised that Akaashi really hadn’t gotten specific, hadn’t disclosed the information that Bokuto stayed behind every day after practise, not just once a week or something. Kuroo hadn’t had any idea. Bokuto pulled his hand away, although Kuroo was reluctant to let go.

“I didn’t realise,” Kuroo said. “Koutarou…”

He was at a loss for words, and who could blame him. Bokuto didn’t have words for it either. He didn’t want to have words, because he wanted for the situation to simply disappear. Like it was never there. Yes, that would be good. It never happened, and he could be happy with his boyfriend and have sex with him like he wanted to.

“I feel so awful,” Kuroo said. “You had all that trouble and I was just selfishly thinking about how you wouldn’t talk to me.”

“Don’t,” Bokuto said and swallowed. “Don’t say that.”

“I want to beat them up,” Kuroo said. “I’ll kick their asses so hard that they can never sit down again.”

Bokuto chuckled quietly. He didn’t want to point out that they were strong. They were stronger than Bokuto was. You had to be pretty strong to reduce him to tears and make him say _that_ on video.

“Two of them held me down,” Bokuto merely continued before his courage would run out, “while the third one… stretched me… and he… and then he…”

The look on Kuroo’s face was enough for Bokuto to know that he knew what it meant. Bokuto didn’t have to say it out loud for it to be known, and it felt good. It felt easy. Maybe this way he could trick himself into talking and getting it all out.

“They took a picture of it,” Bokuto said. “Of course making sure that his face wasn’t visible but mine was.”

“Did they use that to blackmail you?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded. He blinked slowly. It was good that he didn’t have to say everything for Kuroo to already know.

“But it’s more than you think,” he said, then stopped.

He didn’t want to think about the video. It still made him feel dirty, like the sweat from those three was stuck under his skin and he would never be able to wash it off. He would never feel clean again.

“They made a video,” Bokuto said so quietly he wasn’t quite sure he actually said it.

He looked at Kuroo for confirmation, and yes, he had said it.

“That’s so fucked up,” Kuroo said.

He didn’t even know, Bokuto thought, that it was a video of Bokuto with his face stained with come looking into the camera and saying “I’m a cockslut.” They had made him repeat it so many times that it was clearly audible and not disturbed by sobs or sniffles. It had taken nearly ten minutes, Bokuto knew, because he had been there when the police viewed the video, and they watched the entire thing. Bokuto could still hear himself repeating those words over and over again, occasionally a slap sounding in between because he couldn’t stop crying. And his tears were washing the come away, snot running from his nose, and he repeated the words again and again until they were satisfied with the result.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto felt like he had left the room for a moment. Kuroo might have called his name a few times before he heard it. He looked at his boyfriend.

“What did they…” Kuroo asked carefully. “Where did they touch you?”

He knew what Kuroo meant. He didn’t know how to bring himself to say it. So instead he crawled to Kuroo and cuddled up to him. With his face against Kuroo’s chest he could imagine that Kuroo couldn’t hear when he said:

“My mouth and ass.”

Bokuto took a hold of Kuroo’s arm and lifted it to place his hand on his back. Kuroo allowed it, and when Bokuto let go, he proceeded to stroke the expanse of Bokuto’s back.

“They touched me everywhere,” Bokuto said more accurately.

Sometimes he felt like they had explored every nook and cranny of his body.

“Except my dick,” he added more quietly than before.

He felt Kuroo nod above him. He wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. He hadn’t cried in three months.

*

“You’re seeing a therapist, right?” Kuroo asked one day.

Bokuto avoided looking at him, and that was answer enough.

“Koutarou!” Kuroo exclaimed, sounding horrified. “You need to go to therapy!”

“I went,” Bokuto said defensively. “I can’t talk.”

Kuroo pulled him into a hug before pulling away. His hands were on Bokuto’s shoulders, and he kept them an arm’s length apart.

“You’ve talked to me,” he said. “And that’s good too, but I’m not a professional.”

Bokuto looked down to Kuroo’s lap. Kuroo was wearing his Nekoma sweat pants, and the red hurt his eyes. He didn’t know how the entire team could focus when all of them were wearing the same pants and sweat shirts too.

“I’m going with you,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto looked up in shock.

“No arguing,” Kuroo added.

Bokuto didn’t argue, and the next week he and Kuroo went to see the therapist Bokuto should have been seeing for months.

*

It had been seven months since Akaashi had saved Bokuto from a full year of misery, and Bokuto still couldn’t say certain sex related words out loud. At first he didn’t want to even try, but later he had discovered that he physically couldn’t bring himself to say them. He had asked Akaashi for advice, but that hadn’t helped. He didn’t want to ask his therapist because it was already obvious that he was broken.

Kuroo knew almost all the details of Bokuto’s ordeal. Bokuto had even told him what they made him say on the video. He couldn’t say it out loud, so he had written it on his phone and showed Kuroo before deleting the text. The following day he freaked out when he realised that the phone had memorised the word “cockslut” and offered it in place of some other word. It took both Akaashi and Kuroo to calm him down, and Kuroo wiped the memory of his phone to avoid a repeat of what happened.

Kuroo could kiss Bokuto without asking for a permission first, and Bokuto didn’t flinch when he was touched. Whenever they were together, they made sure to be physically close, because Bokuto said it made him calm. And it did. It was also the most closeness he could give Kuroo, and it made him sad. He still kept telling Kuroo that he wanted to have sex, but they didn’t know how to increase physical contact without making it bad for Bokuto. Bokuto hadn’t asked his therapist because he didn’t want to talk about it.

*

Almost exactly a year after Himura and his buffoon friends had interrupted Bokuto’s life, Bokuto turned to look at Kuroo.

“Tetsurou,” he said. “I want you to touch me.”

Kuroo turned away from his book to look at his boyfriend.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

Bokuto nodded, and Kuroo put his book down, but didn’t make a move to get any closer.

“It’s been almost a year,” Bokuto said. “I can’t do this anymore. I need to fight it.”

Kuroo looked at him closely, searching for something. Bokuto was certain of his decision, however. He had thought about it for a while, and he was sure that for as long as he could see it was Kuroo, he would be fine.

“Are you really sure?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded. He probably looked determined enough, because Kuroo turned his chair away from the desk and walked over to the bed where Bokuto was sitting. Kuroo sat down next to him.

“How do you want to do it?” he asked.

“You could kiss me for a start,” Bokuto smirked.

At least that was an easy start. That he could do. And Kuroo leaned in to kiss him, soft and sweet, and Bokuto closed his eyes to enjoy the moment of intimacy with his boyfriend. Kuroo’s lips were always perfect, and Bokuto really badly wanted to feel them all over his body.

“Tetsurou,” Bokuto whined when Kuroo backed away.

“What next?” Kuroo asked and nuzzled their noses together.

Bokuto didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure what he wanted. So, he took a hold of Kuroo’s hand and placed it on his chest, right over his heart that was beating fast. He guided the hand over his chest, over a nipple to his ribs, slowly down his waist, over his stomach and down his hips, stopping right before his cock. He let go of Kuroo’s hand and lay down.

“You do it now,” he said, and his voice had an edge of nervousness in it.

Kuroo leaned down to kiss him before placing his hand on Bokuto’s chest again. He waited until Bokuto’s lips stopped trembling before stroking over the chest. His fingertips teased the nipple on his way to the ribs, and Bokuto gasped, but didn’t try to pull away. His eyes were jumping between Kuroo’s face and his hand that was now slowly making its way down Bokuto’s waist. Kuroo looked completely focused, and Bokuto tried to keep his breathing calm when the hand slid over his stomach. Kuroo’s touch was soft but it burned, and Bokuto couldn’t tell if it was a good or a bad burn.

It stopped right were Bokuto had stopped Kuroo before, and Kuroo turned to look at Bokuto’s face.

“Go lower,” Bokuto whispered.

Kuroo waited before doing that, the heel of his palm pressing against Bokuto’s flaccid cock through his sweat pants before he cupped it in his hand.

“Are you okay?” Kuroo asked quietly, as if a louder voice would break the moment.

Bokuto nodded. His chest was rising and lowering calmly, and Kuroo’s hand was fondling him. It was exhilarating, and Bokuto laughed in relief.

“What?” Kuroo asked and looked at him with one raised eyebrow, that only made Bokuto laugh harder.

“I can’t believe this, Tetsurou,” Bokuto wheezed through his laughter. “You’re touching me!”

Kuroo slightly squeezed Bokuto’s cock.

“I sure am,” he said and smirked.

“More,” Bokuto demanded.

Kuroo frowned in question.

Bokuto sat up and took off his shirt. Kuroo’s eyes roamed his body. Kuroo hadn’t seen Bokuto without any clothes ever since the last joint practise back in high school, and he was clearly taking advantage of the rare opportunity to see Bokuto’s body. Bokuto, on the other hand, felt self-conscious under his boyfriend’s scrutinising eyes. Before he could regret, however, Kuroo lifted his hand and placed it on Bokuto’s chest. It was even warmer now that there wasn’t a layer of clothing between their skins, and Bokuto’s heart beat fast.

“I love you, Koutarou,” Kuroo said. “Even if you never let me go any further than this.”

“I know that,” Bokuto laughed when Kuroo kissed him.

Kuroo’s hand was slightly sweaty, calloused from the hours of playing volleyball, and Bokuto looked at it as it slid over his body. Kuroo’s fingers stopped to play with his nipple, and he gasped. Kuroo looked at him with worry, but he smiled back, and even leaned forward to kiss his boyfriend before leaning back again to make sure he wouldn’t forget that it was Kuroo’s hand on him and no one else’s.

Bokuto wasn’t sure how it happened, but eventually he was naked on the bed and Kuroo was between his legs, stroking his hard cock.

“Can I kiss you?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded, because he didn’t trust his voice. Kuroo’s lips were immediately on his skin, brushing over his hip and down to his thigh. He felt the urge to spread his legs more, but it was taking it too far, and his muscles tightened as he fought himself. Kuroo lifted his head up.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

Bokuto tried to smile, but he could feel how forced it was on his face. Kuroo looked worried and stopped stroking his cock.

“Koutarou?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto swallowed. His face was burning.

“You can’t touch my ass, you know,” he said.

Kuroo nodded.

“I won’t touch your ass,” he said.

Bokuto took a few deep breaths before spreading his legs wider. Kuroo smiled encouragingly at him.

“I liked it when you kissed my thighs,” Bokuto mumbled.

“Would you like me to continue?” Kuroo asked with a smirk that told Bokuto that he already knew the answer.

Bokuto had to nod anyway, because Kuroo wouldn’t do it otherwise. Then Kuroo’s mouth was back on him, and this time he wasn’t only kissing, he was licking and sucking, stroking one thigh with his hand while his mouth devoured the other. He made sure to stay low enough to not accidentally touch Bokuto’s ass, and if Bokuto wasn’t already delirious with pleasure he might have cried with how considerate his boyfriend was.

Kuroo left behind trails of bruises over Bokuto’s thighs, before Bokuto started whining. Kuroo looked up.

“Touch me, Tetsurou,” Bokuto whispered.

Kuroo nuzzled his nose against Bokuto’s throbbing cock and looked up at him through his lashes.

“You want me to take you into my mouth?” he asked and placed a kiss at the base of Bokuto’s cock.

Bokuto nodded desperately, hands digging into the beddings, and Kuroo took a hold of his cock. He licked up the underside of it, tongue wet and wide over the prominent vein, and Bokuto keened. Kuroo stopped to lick around the ridge before kissing the tip. He looked up at Bokuto who was speechless, eyes wide open and focused on Kuroo, and they kept eye contact when Kuroo opened his mouth and took the tip of Bokuto’s cock in his mouth. He sucked gently, and Bokuto threw his head back. Kuroo dipped deeper and sucked his way back up, using his tongue to tease the bulging vein, and Bokuto whined. He had never imagined it could feel so good to have his cock sucked. Well, he may have sometimes imagined it, but he couldn’t remember. It had been a long time since he had been able to imagine anyone touching him, but he knew that from this day forward he wouldn’t get nightmares if he fell asleep after thinking about sex.

Kuroo worked with sloppy slurps, making sure to lick over the slit every time he went up, and it didn’t take long for Bokuto to see white, his muscles tightening and cock spurting his seed deep inside Kuroo’s mouth. Kuroo continued to suck him dry, but let go before Bokuto’s whines of pleasure could turn to discomfort.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said and waited for Bokuto to look at him. “You just had sex for the first time.”

Bokuto stared at him. It was true. This was the first time someone had touched him with consideration to his pleasure. His eyes teared up, and Kuroo moved up on the bed to stroke his cheek.

“Fuck, Tetsurou,” Bokuto said. “I love you so much!”

Kuroo kissed the tip of his nose, but before he could back away, Bokuto cupped his cheeks and pulled him into a kiss. Bokuto didn’t take it into consideration that Kuroo would taste like cock, and he jumped back in alarm when he tasted it. Kuroo tried to pull away, but Bokuto didn’t let him. He stared at Kuroo’s mouth, making sure that he knew whose mouth it was, before kissing it again. He was tasting himself on Kuroo’s lips, he kept telling himself, and the thought was exciting instead of scary. He opened his eyes to look at Kuroo, so close, so close, and he had never felt so loved during their relationship (that was a lie, he had felt it multiple times).

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said and pulled away. “I need to go to the bathroom.”

Bokuto pouted and Kuroo sat up. Bokuto glanced to his groin and suddenly realised why Kuroo was in such a hurry to leave. He grabbed a fistful of Kuroo’s shirt to keep his from leaving. Kuroo looked down to him.

“Don’t go,” Bokuto said to Kuroo’s shirt.

Kuroo was fidgeting.

“I want you to stay,” Bokuto said.

“But Koutarou,” Kuroo whined. “I really need…”

“I want to…” Bokuto said quietly, but it was enough to stop Kuroo from completing his sentence. “I want to touch you too.”

Bokuto looked up. Kuroo’s mouth had fallen open. He looked hilarious, but Bokuto forced the laughter to stay away so that Kuroo wouldn’t think he wasn’t being serious.

“Please?” he asked.

Kuroo blushed and looked away before looking back.

“Stop with that puppy dog look,” he mumbled.

Bokuto smirked and sat up, still holding on to Kuroo’s shirt. He needed to go forward now that he was feeling so good.

“You know you don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable?” Kuroo made sure before getting out of his shirt.

Bokuto watched Kuroo’s body. While he had been too anxious to show off his body to his boyfriend, Kuroo hadn’t really tried to stop Bokuto from ever walking in on him half-naked if not completely nude. He didn’t strut around the house like that because Bokuto had found it disconcerting, but Bokuto did know exactly what Kuroo’s body looked like. What he didn’t know, was what it felt like.

Kuroo left his jeans on and shuffled back on the bed. Bokuto lifted his hand and let it hover close to Kuroo’s chest, not quite ready to touch yet. He had felt Kuroo’s chest pressed against him multiple times, but touching it so directly was a big step. He thought about the fact that he was sitting there butt naked after Kuroo had sucked him off, and he was afraid of touching the man’s chest.

It was the thought that made him lower his hand against Kuroo’s body, fingers feeling the muscle as he slid down before going back up. Kuroo leaned back and gave him time to explore his chest and stomach with one hand. Bokuto had never really touched another person like that before; Himura and his friends weren’t exactly keen on being fondled by someone they claimed to hate. It was odd, but in the good way, and Bokuto soon lifted his other hand to Kuroo’s body as well, stroking his thumbs over the man’s hardened nipples. Kuroo sighed and smiled, and Bokuto made his way down to his hips.

Kuroo’s jeans looked tight, and Bokuto was amazed that he hadn’t opened them yet. He looked up to Kuroo’s face for comfort before fiddling with the button of his jeans, having to take a few tries before getting it open. He opened the zipper slowly and was faced with Kuroo’s cock bulging in his underwear. He swallowed. He hadn’t been this close to another man’s hard cock in almost a year, and a part of him had been certain that he never would be. Yet there he was, and it was Kuroo who he was touching. Kuroo didn’t have compromising photos or videos of him. Kuroo wasn’t hitting him when he hesitated or cried, Kuroo had never raised his voice even when he was upset, and Kuroo wouldn’t mind even if he called this off right now and left the man to take care of his own need.

Bokuto bit his lip and nudged at the jeans. Kuroo lifted his hips and helped him remove them, leaving him in only his underwear, cock forcing the waistband to lift off his skin.

“Sorry, I didn’t know today would have been a good day to wear my sexy underwear,” Kuroo said and laughed.

Bokuto laughed too, beaming at his boyfriend for interrupting his worried thoughts, and he had to kiss Kuroo before settling back to where he had been. His cheeks were burning again. He touched Kuroo’s thighs with both hands, and Kuroo lifted one leg to place it on the other side of Bokuto, his legs spread for him.

“Is this okay?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded. It was okay because Kuroo wasn’t holding onto his hair and shoving his face to his crotch. It was okay because Kuroo’s legs were lean and tanned, and because Kuroo wasn’t even trying to offer his hips for Bokuto. Kuroo was only waiting for what would happen.

It would feel safer to touch over the fabric, Bokuto thought, and reached a shaky hand to brush his fingers over Kuroo’s erection. The cock jumped at his touch, but Kuroo kept his hips firmly on the bed. Bokuto touched again, this time taking longer to press his fingers against the hardened length, feeling the heat through the cloth. He trailed up to the spot of pre-come that had seeped onto the pants. His heart skipped a beat, but otherwise he was okay.

Slowly Bokuto pulled Kuroo’s underwear out of the way, the man’s cock standing upright now that it wasn’t bound by the fabric. Bokuto had never seen Kuroo’s cock before, had mostly restrained from even imagining it, and he was relieved to see that it was just a normal cock. It was quite long, quite lean, and made a slight curve to the right, the veins not very pronounced on it at all. His foreskin was hiding a lot of the tip, and Bokuto wanted to pull it back, but he hesitated. He had already gotten much further than he would have believed. Should he stop now that he was still winning or try going on and risk getting anxious? He felt good after his first orgasm in nearly a year, and right now he felt good and accomplished. Was it worth it to try and do more just because he was a bit stubborn?

“What do you want to do, Koutarou?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto looked up at his face. His cheeks were blushed, eyes heavily lidded, and it was a good look on him. Bokuto could get used to seeing him like that.

“I don’t know,” he replied truthfully.

“Should we stop?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto didn’t know so he only bit his lip and let his eyes trail down Kuroo’s body.

“Do you want to watch?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto’s eyes shot back up to his face.

“What?” he coughed out, having been completely taken aback by the question.

“I just thought,” Kuroo said, trying to sound nonchalant, but his words were heavy, “that maybe it would be easier for you if you just saw me touch it rather than doing it yourself.”

Bokuto thought about it. Except his thoughts refused to function, and he was left with an empty head, unable to decide what to do.

“We should stop if you’re not sure,” Kuroo said and sat up straighter, getting ready to leave the bed, leave the room and take care of himself in the bathroom so that Bokuto didn’t have to feel uncomfortable.

Before Kuroo could start getting up from the bed, Bokuto brushed his fingers over the heated length of his cock. Kuroo whimpered quietly. Maybe Bokuto was being unfair: Kuroo’s erection looked painful and it was probably not the best time to be so hesitant about touching him. However, Kuroo didn’t complain. He merely looked at Bokuto who watched the way his fingers were sliding over the hard skin he had never touched before, before leaning back on his hands again.

“Tetsurou, tell me if this is unfair for you,” Bokuto said, not lifting his gaze from Kuroo’s cock. “But I want to taste you. I really want to… I guess you could say I want to replace a bad memory. But I need you to stay still. Do you think you can?”

Bokuto slowly looked up to Kuroo’s face. Kuroo was smiling with such love on his face, that Bokuto found himself lost for a moment.

“Can…” he asked, “can I?”

Kuroo nodded.

“You can do anything you want,” he said. “And I will do anything you need me to do.”

Bokuto nodded and bit his lips together. He looked at the cock in front of him. It was a massive step to go from touching with just his fingertips to taking it in his mouth. Maybe he would gag just from the taste. Maybe he would freak out because of the smell.

“If you really want to do it, you can,” Kuroo said. “But I’m really on edge here. So, you know. You shouldn’t suck for too long so I don’t get out of control.”

Bokuto nodded again. He understood it. He might have spent a year not wanting to think about sex, but it didn’t erase the fact that he knew what it was like.

Slowly, slowly Bokuto bent down, his face at level with Kuroo’s cock. He wrapped his fingers around the hot flesh of it and stroked up and down once. It didn’t smell like he had feared. Maybe Himura and his buddies really had foregone a shower just to make the situation a bit more uncomfortable for him. But this was Kuroo. Kuroo was good. It was okay.

Bokuto licked over the tip of Kuroo’s cock with tender tongue, tasting the pre-come and whimpering. It tasted bitter and was filled with bad memories, but this had to be done, he reminded himself. He would never associate that taste with anything good if he didn’t make a good memory connected to it, and he was going to do it now. He looked up at Kuroo who was focusedly staring at him. Kuroo relaxed his face and smiled, and Bokuto smiled back, although his lips were trembling.

“It’s okay, Koutarou,” Kuroo said. “You can do it if you really want to.”

Bokuto needed those words, and he pulled back Kuroo’s foreskin before sinking his mouth over the cock. He didn’t dare close his lips around the length yet, still fearful that he might gag.

“You’re doing great, babe,” Kuroo said. “I’m really proud of you.”

Bokuto had to lift his head up to breathe, as Kuroo’s words made him unexpectedly tear up. He blinked his eyes dry before trying again, this time sliding his lips over the head and sucking gently. Kuroo moaned loudly, and Bokuto found that to be a ridiculous overexaggeration, until he looked up to Kuroo, whose head was thrown back. He sucked again.

“Fuck, Koutarou,” Kuroo groaned, lifted his head up to look at his boyfriend. “You’re so good to me!”

Bokuto wanted to argue that he wasn’t being good to Kuroo, he was doing it for himself. But was there really a difference? he thought then. It’s not like he didn’t want to make Kuroo feel good. He lapped over Kuroo’s tip, slid his tongue to the fold of his foreskin, and sucked once more before Kuroo called:

“Off, Koutarou!”

He pulled his head away and stroked Kuroo to completion. He watched how Kuroo’s face twisted with pleasure, how he threw his head back, how his thighs shivered as his semen shot over his stomach and Bokuto’s hand. He hadn’t realised how much he wanted this: this face of Kuroo’s, the sounds he was making deep in his throat, the way he looked at Bokuto after he came down. And the way he licked Bokuto’s hand clean of his own come.

“You did so well,” Kuroo said and hugged Bokuto.

Bokuto pressed a kiss to the crook of Kuroo’s neck. That was another first. He wanted to kiss all over Kuroo’s body. He wanted to give his boyfriend everything that he had been unable to give him before.

“Remember to not force yourself too much,” Kuroo said, as if reading his mind.

“I’ll remember,” Bokuto replied.

*

It took two more months before Kuroo rode Bokuto’s cock, legs spread over Bokuto’s hips and ass slamming down to take all of Bokuto inside. Bokuto was completely enthralled by the sight before him, and he came so hard his vision blurred for a moment. The feeling of Kuroo tightening around him when he came just moments later stayed with him for a long time, and only partly because they fucked a lot now that Bokuto had gotten more comfortable with it.

It didn’t always work out, and those times Bokuto was reduced to tears because he wanted to be a normal young man with a normal relationship. Kuroo always held him tight, because that was good closeness, that was exactly what Bokuto needed when he got overwhelmed by thoughts.

One of those times they were lying in bed, Bokuto having cried all over Kuroo’s shirt. Kuroo was stroking his hair.

“You know, Koutarou,” Kuroo said, “you will never have to bottom if you don’t want to.”

“But I want to,” Bokuto replied against Kuroo’s chest.

“You’re always so stubborn,” Kuroo said and then laughed, and Bokuto laughed too.

*

Bokuto had stopped counting the days when he had Kuroo enter him for the first time, and he knew that he was going to be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to keep each chapter around the same lenght but then Bokuto happened.
> 
> I edited (pretty much just read through) this after crying so I'm not sure how to feel about anything. I just hope it's fine.

**Author's Note:**

> I have [a dedicated writing blog](http://mean-whalewrites.tumblr.com) but also sometimes talk about writing [on twitter](http://twitter.com/mean_whale), but to follow me on twitter please be over 18!


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